(no subject)

I hate and I love.
Why? you might ask.
I don't know. But I feel it
Happening and I hurt.

-Catullus #85

I didn't understand this quote, when I first read it. I wrote it off as a bit of mindless drabble, something that sounded good but didn't really mean anything. I understand it a bit better, now.

And a long time ago, I wrote this, about someone entirely different from who it turned out to apply to:
"One day I know that you and I will go our separate ways. If it's a good day--if it's warm outside, and there is music playing in the park, and I am learning so many things and laughing like there is no tomorrow--if it is a good day, then I may smile, and accept it, and say, it was beautiful while it lasted.
If it is a bad day, I know that I will cry. I may cry even if it is a good day; I do not know myself well enough to say. I will weep bitterly, where no one is looking, and after a while I will run out of breath and tears and then I will stop.
And then I will start all over again, like a clockwork mouse all wound down, and all wound back up again."

I've grown better-acquainted with myself since then. I know I'm not a clockwork mouse. I'm not something that winds down and can be brought back to life again with the turn of a key. I wish it was that simple. No, I cling. I've gotten better at it over the years; it used to be that I never let people go, not ever. I'd entertain and beguile and lie and love to make sure that they didn't leave. Now--I can let people go. Is it good for me? Probably not. I'm not lonely, but that's only because I've gone through loneliness and come out the other side, becoming one of those people who can say, without batting an eyelash, "I don't need other people."

Sometimes other people entertain me; more often than not, they annoy me. Very rarely, I find their company stimulating. But I don't need them. Other people are luxuries, not necessities.

The thing is, though, I'm writing this out of bitterness, so you mustn't take anything I say very seriously. I still haven't stopped. Winding down, I mean. I still haven't stopped crying; I still haven't stopped clinging. It turns out that the result of our parting ways was 'all of the above, and a little more besides'.

I see you are a creamy muffin of failure no matter where you are on the internet.

Last night I had a dream that my ex broke the acoustic guitar that I don't have. I guess this means my heart is guitar-shaped. And also explains why I keep falling for musicians. (They just know how to play me.)

I have a job interview in two hours. I'm kind of nervous. I'm going to have to pretend to be super confident and outgoing and chock full of godly customer service skills. I am only sociable when I am drunk.

I am currently in a state of fretful porpentine.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I'm pretty sure I've gotten too much into lolita, because I've gotten to the point where nearly all of my dreams have something to do with buying/wearing/owning frilly dresses. Example: Last night, mysteriously, I happened to win $10,000 in my dream. Off've the lottery or something, I don't know. My first in-dream thought was, 'How many dresses can I buy with this?'

Other highlights of last night:
I went to war against the aliens.
My father was Fantastic Mr. Fox.
Asians drove convertibles and dyed their hair blond.
I couldn't remember where I had parked.

We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon.

Just try it. The cinnamon challenge is a deceptively horrid bastard.

I went to the library yesterday. I'd really missed being able to do that. Having a car again is nice, even if it does mean that I'm not walking everywhere anymore and therefore, am not eating regularly at all. I feel too guilty. (My lunch today consisted of half-a-tin of tuna and two pickled gherkins. Mm, vinegar.) I picked up The Crane Wife, which I am in the slow process of falling deeply and madly in love with.

The one thing about reading so much is that, over time, I've grown exceedingly picky about what I will and will not read. I think it's about time to start attacking the classics, because contemporary fiction just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm lucky if I come away with passage out of three hundred pages that I really love.

Also, I keep meaning to order that book of poetry from Cathrynn M. Valente. Except I'm broke, so I can't. I should find some way of making money that doesn't involve selling my body, or intimate articles of clothing.

Maybe I should go back to selling pixel art to the furries. It made me feel horribly dirtied, but somehow furries always have the cash to spend on hideous depictions of their fursonas in fishnet stockings. And at ten dollars per 95x95 pixel square, it's pretty good money.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who made the unfortunate mistake of falling in love with a gypsy. When the days grew hot and the sun lingered overlong in the sky, he left her for the western shores. But because he promised to return, and because she loved him (and therefore, believed him) she waited for him. Her hair grew long and her body grew gaunt, her bones sharp enough to break skin, but still she remained steadfast in her affections. At night, she dreamed of ancient, burning brides and rotting wedding-cakes.

Once upon a time, there was a girl whose heart was broken into a thousand tiny pieces, and scattered over the mid-west like gingerbread crumbs in a children's fairy-tale.

Once upon a time, there was a girl whose heart was broken, and badly set--and so it healed crookedly, and forever after she loved with a limp. When it rained, her chest ached like an old war wound.

All the cool kids are doing it.

1. What does your Livejournal name mean?
Once I was a young and innocent weeaboo who needed a username that would never, ever be taken on any site ever by anyone else but her.

2. Elaborate on your default photo?
It's Alice, trapped in a jar! She is very small. I like small things.

3. Make up a question.
Is anyone else as terrified of the Pink Elephants on Parade sequence from Dumbo as I am?

4. What's your current relationship status?
Her heart was a secret garden, and the walls were very high.

5. What EXACTLY are you wearing right now?
A stripey pink empire-waisted thing which I rather suspect was intended as a dress but I have since appropriated for use as a nightgown. It's very soft.

6. What is your current problem?
I need a job in order to buy things that I don't need.

7. What do you love most?
I don't know about love, but I've started having marvelous dreams about ruffles and high-quality lace.

8. What makes you most happy?
Things which have absolutely no redeeming value other than the aesthetic pleasure which they provide me with.

9. Are you musically inclined?
I sing.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would you change?
I would never have eaten that goddamn cheesecake.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
A land-shark. And I would devour my enemies with great pleasure.

12. Ever have a near death experience?
Does eight inches away from slamming my head into a tree-trunk at sixty miles per hour count?

13. Name an obvious quality you have.
Hideously freckly. Oh, sun, how you must loathe me.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
The Decemberists - Sons and Daughters.

15. Who did you cut and paste this from?
The current object of my stalkerish affections.

16. Name someone with the same birthday as you.

If I have to go to Wikipedia to answer this question, then I have no desire to answer it.

17. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?
I don't consider it vandalism. I made it better.

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
Yes. Happily.

19. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Yes. Unhappily. (I get the shakes.)

20. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Do they smell nice?

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I don't.

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes, I've been compared to several different ones. However, I suspect that this is a clever ruse made in order to get into my pants.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
...The Hunchback of Notre Dame is not a kiddy movie. I don't care if it was made by Disney.

26. Did you have braces?
No.

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
No. I wish I was shorter.

28. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
Offered to run away with me to the west coast. Unfortunately, I was forced to decline.

29. Do you speak any other languages?
I am fluent in Pirate.

30. Do you have a crush on someone on your livejournal?
...Don't be silly. -cough-

Lifestyle Lolitas

I will be honest. I do not understand the hate that lifestyle lolitas invoke from non-lifestyle lolitas.
 So much of a lolita lifestyle is dedicated to feeling beautiful--to taking time out for yourself and for others around you, to devoting yourself to making the world a little bit sweeter in a number of ways that aren't often repeated in this day and age. Being polite doesn't make you a doormat. I personally think, that with all the DRAMU that egl supposedly evokes, that we could benefit as a subculture from trying to behave a little more like princesses. And isn't that what draws most of us to lolita in the first place?
I've always wished that I could be a princess; that I could swan around in fluffy dresses and eat sweets and sleep the afternoon away and read and daydream all I want. But that's impossible, and maybe that's a good thing for me. Unless you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, feeling like a princess requires effort in these modern plastic times. Why is that ridiculed?

It is one in the morning and I am going to sleep.

 

ALSO:

Eugenio Recuenco's photography is jaw-dropping gorgeous. Check it out.
 

(no subject)

Last Saturday was the steampunk photo shoot. I was pretty pleased with the results, considering that I am blitheringly unphotogenic and that my costume caused me two hours of agonizing.

As first post, I should probably be talking about something important or introducing myself maybe.
So.
My name is Rachel; I go by Arienette Chandler amongst my steampunk circle. I am a senior at Madison County High in Madison, Alabama, but have spent the past three years of my life in Catholic school. I draw a lot.
I have a scholarship to Memphis College of Art, which is probably where I'll end up next semester. I want to take a double major in Animation and Illustration, but we'll have to see how that works out.
I dabble in all areas of the arts excepting dance. But I will try, for the sake of the revolution.

I'm really interested in alternative subcultures and fashion--if I wasn't an artist, I'd want to be an urban anthropologist.

I'm an INFP personality type. 
I read a helluva lot.
I used to be really into anime and manga, which is still reflected in my art, but as I've grown older my obsession has died off a bit, and I can't say I'm entirely pleased to be free of the scene but it certainly has left me with more pocket money. Manga is an expensive habit to feed.

In other news, my best friend has been home all week. She's leaving on Sunday, but I'm getting to spend the night with her tonight and we are going to COOK and SEW and wear APRONS ohman it's going to be so much fun. All we need are some chauvinist pig husbands.

Next week is my spring break.